1:11 pm - Thursday, Oct. 14, 2004
Song: Dashboard Confessional - The Good Fight
Chris said the following last night: �Don�t start lying about how your feeling. Especially in your diary. Your diary is still yours.�
So here we go and I�ll try to be a truthful as I can, though there are some things I�d rather not rehash. Deep breaths, set, and go.
I still love Chris. This should come as no surprise at all to anyone in the world. I listen to �Twisted� by Keith Sweat and ponder how silly it is for me to be relating to ridiculous songs, oh and I can�t do this. I miss him. I miss his hugs and the way he smiled at me. I�m not trying to go back and erase things; I�m not trying to go back at all. I know that it�s simply not possible for me to do that.
I don�t like myself very much. I sit and write in my journal, make lists of the things that make me an awful person, and these lists are nothing but very true. My letters to Kevin have become suicide threats, and this isn�t good at all. It�s not that I�m unhappy. I�m simply hollow and guilty. I can�t swallow anything. I eat so little, and then give into the tears and hunger that come later.
It�s so unfair, not to me, but to Chris who I kept trying to keep so I wouldn�t ever have to let go, and to Kevin who works so hard to fill the space I deceived him into entering. I told him that it was okay, told him Chris and I were on a break, and then he let down the walls. And then he said he was in love with me, and I tried to break it all off with him. Instead I just ended up hurting everyone.
This is the second time in my life that I�ve done this. Here is the sad truth of it: When I feel I�m done with a relationship, I don�t know what I�m supposed to do. I say I want to break up, but then I hurt people, and I don�t know what to do then. So I always try to fix it, I decide I can be unhappy, because I do love this other person, and I can�t just say get the hell out of my life. Here�s the other thing: I don�t trust myself at all. How can I make any claims that I won�t just do the same thing to Kevin? How can I make any claims that I care about anyone but myself when I hurt Chris so drastically, and I know it, and I could have prevented it. In hindsight, it all looks so clear.
At the time though. Fuck. At the time I thought I knew what I was doing. And I wanted to try out this new love so badly. I felt it coursing through me and I knew I had to try it. I just didn�t know how to be upfront about it. I didn�t know that I had it in me to just walk on up to someone and sat, this is the sad truth of the situation. This is the evil thing I�ve done. Please leave my life so I don�t hurt you any further.
I�m selfish. I�m an awful, evil kind of selfish. The kind that doesn�t simply want more than it wants to give others, but the kind that takes more and more and steals it right away from whatever they please. And this is where I�m left.
I am left with a boy who I know loves me deeply and truly, and I feel I�m not giving everything to. I�m left with another boy who I love, who I have hurt, and who I never expect to forgive me (which I would never deserve anyhow), and I miss him. I�m not asking for him back. I�m not even asking him to be my friend, because I understand if what he�d prefer is for me to be absent from his life. I�m not asking anything. And I�m not certain he�ll ever read this. That will be a matter of his own choice. I jut want him to know, that everything he�s said about me, well it�s true. I�ll apologize over and again and it won�t help anything.
I miss him, so badly, I miss him. I want to be better then this. I will be better then this. I�m sorry he had to get hurt. I wish I could fix everything. I wish I could have this best friend back. I wish he�d support me, but I will never ask that from him, because I don�t deserve it.
The short and simple of this all: I miss him, I love him, and I really fucked up. I live sorry.
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