Can You Still Feel The Butterflies
7:35 am - Wednesday, Oct. 13, 2004
Song: Jimmy Eat World - For Me This Is Heaven

Living. I'm living, and it's day by day, and I like it a bit more as each day goes by. I jsut sit in the swirl of it and hope it wraps me up. It's big and beautiful, this thing called life, and I'm just waiting for it to grab my hand and I'll be more then happy to swirl with it.

Love has got a hold on me, that I'm not sure I ever excpected it to have. Not this love, with this boy, but I'm dying not being near him. I'm deep in there, I've become more dependant on he then he on me. I've always been so practiced in not letting that happen. Always setting myself jsut right, in a position where I could be the one who had the power to hurt more at any given time. Defense mechanisms. Like when I make a joke when someones crying, or get louder and more boisterous when I'm scared about something, because I don't know how to handle these things.

I'm not leaping into anything anymore. I'm not taking the great leaps and bounds that I keep feeling are excpected of me. I just want to please you all. I want to fulfill whatever list you carry of things Megan needs to accomplish.

I am selfish. Look at my writing here. Me Me Me Me Me. I'm selfish when it comes to love, when it comes to following my heart, because I put it's goals above all others. I hate myself for it. I hold a lot of guilt.

But then again, when I'm with him, I'm safe and happy in ways I hardly understand. I feel it swell up in me, and I just need to smile and hug and bury my nose in hs neck. Maybe there nothing bad will happen anymore. Maybe there I won't be bad anymore.

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