I Thought We Were Really Now
12:29 pm - Monday, Oct. 11, 2004
Song: Keith Sweat - Twisted

I'm... dissapointed. Every time I refresh and there's no reply, and i keep checking the clock. "He's got to reply once before I need to pack up my backpack, right? He's got to reply before I leave for class. Why hasn't he replied?" Dissapointed.
Then I'm mad at myself for being so hurt by it. How dare I excpect him to reply, he only said he'd be waiting for my email, only said he'd reply right away. Doing it again, you see. I should know that he has homework to do and he'd reading, I'm not the only thing in his life. I know this. I don't want to be.
But sometimes, maybe, I'd like him to pretend I was. Maybe I'd like him to have dropped everything in his life to get on the greyhound last night. Just pretend things like school and work don't exist for him. Come to Eugene with me. That's where real life is any way.
Real life is something I feel I've been avoiding for so long now. I need you to make me down to earth. Remember my writing philosophy, that everything you write, it just needs to be true, and it'll will be good, well I'm a faliure in that. What I've been writing, well it's been glossy. It's been false, though not lies. I feel over and over again that I'm not allowed to love him. I'm not allowed to say I miss him, I'm not allowed to say I don't care about college all that much, not allowed to feel how I truly do, because I'll always be hurting someone, shocking someone, letting someone down.
Here's what's true: I love Kevin. Deep and deeply. I don't really care to have the "college life", I'd rather have the self-sufficent adult life. I don't need to get drunk or pretend I need these friendships I don't. I don't want to be made to feel bad that I make friends at my own pace. It's not that I'm not making them, I wish people wouldn't act liek that was it, it's rather that I'm making them in the slow steady way that allows you to make true friends.
I don't want to be letting down and hurting. I just want to be true. And I want to refresh and he's written back. But, alas, it's time to pack my backpack.

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