How Do You Measure A Year Gone By
12:03 pm - Tuesday, Oct. 05, 2004
Song: Rent - Seasons Of Love

It�s still too warm. Still no rain and its October. Mt. St. Helens keeps spitting up, and I�m no longer at he home where I could have watched such things happen from a good distance. Is any one fazed by it? Is anyone worried? Will it finally just explode and create a hole Crater Lake style? I read from miles away and I think that it�s got to be slightly nerve-wracking, and everyone in Portland seems unconcerned. All I get is the news; maybe they blow things far out of proportion.
I miss Portland. This isn�t just a matter of missing people, or my family or some sort of sense of home. No it�s more than that. I miss Honkin� Huge Burritos and Athena pizza from La Rosetta. I miss Hawthorne and knowing the bus system. I miss knowing how to get myself places.
I miss the summer nights where I tried to teach Kevin about a city that I so claimed to be my own. Now he has more claim over it than I do, and something feels inherently wrong in that. If I could just go back for a moment, just sit in the good times. There were so many nice moments this last summer, and the real key to it was, well it didn�t feel like summer. It wasn�t a matter of taking a break from school. I was working everyday. I was living a real life where everything isn�t dictated by people twenty years plus older than you. I was adult, and suddenly I�m here and I�m only acting so.
I miss spending the night at my boyfriend�s house. He doesn�t live with parents; he�s so adult and impressive. I miss taking him out of his comfort zone. Forcing him to strip down to his boxers and play in the fountains with me in the middle of downtown.
But it�s not just he, don�t get me wrong. It�s the last night we spent with Kai. It�s the exploring because we�ve nothing better to do, and we�ve got no one to please but ourselves and each other.
There was realness there. There was the desire to live and enjoy life. Do I ever want to live like today matters here? Hardly. I miss things. I yearn for things. There are things I need t make it feel worth it. There are things I�d like to transplant here, people I�d like to move here, but most of all, I desire to live the life I was enjoying building before I left for the world path that everyone is supposed to take. I�m just another college kid, and there�s nothing all too impressive in that.

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