11:10 pm - Tuesday, Sept. 07, 2004
Song: No Doubling Back - Jason Mraz
This girl�s so insecure. She�s happy but she feels she has to lie. There are all these secret smiles, and she�s trying so hard to hide them. She�s so in love, she�s so deep and when this guy holds her she�s infinitely safe. But these things, she�s scared to say.
See she�s afraid to admit that she can lie her head on his chest the way she dreamed of when she was eight, picturing cuddling up to the future love of her life. Lay her head on his chest in a way she never could with any other guy. And she�s scared that she�s wrong in saying that she feels so right and good, like they never missed a beat in those years they spent apart. She feels that maybe she�s not allowed this. She feels that to leave who she was with, in that she was wrong. She�s wrong, and everyone will be happy to dictate this for her.
Her friends, well they want to say how dumb. And the readers where she types her thoughts, they only cared because they liked the love and they love the boy and now she�s left that boy behind. Her brother thinks he knows and he doesn�t and she wants everyone to go away.
Go away because she�s happy.
Because she likes what she�s found. She likes where on his shoulder she rests her head and how long he�ll hold her for. She likes that he kisses the top of her head and smells her hair; that he stares at her like she�s the most amazing thing to ever grace the earth. She likes the way he tells her she�s beautiful and the dorky moments they share. She likes the way they incessantly quote movies and TV shows and songs to one another. She likes how similar these two children came to be in their two years apart and she likes how their differences bind them so gently. She�s enjoying this love, enjoying this relationship, this life.
But she can�t say, because every moment she feels the weight of a world�s disappointment. Everyone is sad you made the wrong choice, it cries. And how can you fight with guilt. Guilt is a one-sided argument. It�s always right or it wouldn�t be sitting on your shoulders so, correct?
She�s sorry she�s insecure. Sorry she needs you to approve. She can�t stop the sorry, she�s letting it ruin her joy, she�s letting it tell her not to enjoy what she�s chosen. Afraid that they�ll all turn away; she�s just not that great without the him, without the package and the couple. The sweet little diaryland couple, how dare she ruin this cute little story. I thought you were gonna get married, and oh but things happen. It boggles the mind.
How can she dare; how can she be happy with someone else?
Ask her and she doesn�t know. She started by accepting the hand he gave her to hold, then to lie her head on his shoulder while they watched movies, and then after the first few times, she accepted the kisses her placed on the top of her head and suddenly his eyes said, I love you, and hers said it too.
She�s sorry. But she�s tired of being so wrong and being so disappointing. She�s looking for assurances and she�s �never mind, I don�t need anyone�ing. But she never liked not needing people. People are here to need one another, and that�s more than love, that�s the way it should be.
Maybe then, you�ll never like this choice she made, but she fell hard enough to throw her whole life away and you�ve got to admit that when you feel the same you follow your heart or die.
Perhaps she didn�t feel it was her time. Now she�s standing so gently, trying not to leave a mark, because she�s scarred enough already. Her words come out twisted and untrue. She hides her smiles from her closest friend because it�s his love and trust she betrayed. And she keeps fighting it.
Then he said, its okay, I need to know, you need to tell, your love� it�s what it is. Enjoy it, he told her. So here she is in truth.
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