10:16 pm - Tuesday, Aug. 03, 2004
Song: The Postal Service - Recylcled Air
Today, flowers and chocolate on my porch from one boy, while I sat in the living room with another. Never have I felt so awful to be given a surprise gift. So sad to receive a bouquet. This is killing me, and I�m not sure what to do with any of these feelings. I�m trying to be everything to everyone, and in the end I feel like I�m failing each person whose life I try to support and make better.
Each day, I go to the job I hate, I talk to the friends I love, I trey to write something here and it doesn�t work, I try to be in love but it gets twisted. I�m not doing well at any of these things. And who knows just what makes it so difficult for me. Something I should have seen before I tried, because if you quit before you start, you never fail.
Well, it�s a nice ideal, but it�s just not so. If you never love and you never try than you just let yourself down in the end. No one else may see it, because you never tried to let anyone else in, but you will. When the end of our time comes and we begin to document just what our life contained, we will see all the opportunities we pushed away because we were afraid we wouldn�t be able to handle them.
What does this mean for me? Well, I�m not sure. It means I should just love and hurt and try my hardest to clear everything up. Just as long as I�m happy in the end, that�s what I want to say, but I know I�d bend over backwards and sacrifice my own joy if it meant I never had hurt anyone.
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