9:08 am - Monday, Aug. 02, 2004
Song: Sugababes - Too Lost In You
But shouldn�t you deserve that, and shouldn�t he as well. Don�t the both of you know you�re worth better. You�re worth a girl who doesn�t dance around issues. A girl who will always answer your call. A girl who can simply say, �you�re my number one and I am so in love with you and only you.�
Not this girl. Not the one writing now. This girl, she fucked up bad when she went and sought those attentions elsewhere. And she fucked up really badly when she fell in love with this someone else. And now everyone�s giving her what she wants, everyone says go ahead and love who you love and we�ll both play the role we truly want in your life.
�but I�m strangely comfortable with you leaving. strangely comfortable with you loving someone else, even being in love with someone else, making love to someone else. how can this be when i want you so bad? when i desire so deeply to call you mine and to know its 100% true? could it be that as thom yorke says, true love waits, and that somehow i know subconsciously that our love is true and that it will always wait? wait for me to grow up a little. wait for you to go to college. wait for you to find yourself in me.�
And that�s amazing, and that�s love and every bit of me loves him, but then every bit of me loves my sweet boy only two hundred miles away at any given time. The boy whose love I know lasts through all the hard and ugly parts. Who I love without doubt.
I�m sorry I�m so bad at this love thing, but that�s my big flaw, and that I will be apologizing for forever. But now I�m too far in and too deeply connected and I want to be everything ever to both of you. Want to let you simple say mine and I say yours and it�s that black and white.
Instead, I feel awful and fucked up. And I�m living through fuck right now; it�s a frustration funnel. So maybe I should just leave you both, or maybe I should let things be as they are, but either way, I�m feeling awful and bad and the stain of what a bad person I am weighs on me. Though I know you would be both so quick to tell me, oh no, you�re not so bad, it�s a bad situation. A bad situation that I created.
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