10:40 pm - Wednesday, Jun. 04, 2003
Song: A Sorta Fairytale - Tori Amos
I wonder sometimes if he doesn�t read books about it. Books that tell a boy how to say the absolutely right thing over and over for a whole night. Then I think he must not, or that they are published slowly, because other nights everything he says is offensive.
Apparently though, it�s the time of the month that Boyfriend Perfect magazine comes out, because everything now is happiness in pretty words and I swoon at his tone, his vocabulary, his breathing, and the bit of love he puts in behind certain words. It�s come time when I have no chance to doubt him.
I don�t know how long it�ll last though, and that�s what twists me up. I sit and wonder when Tori broke her silver lining and if I can do so too,. I�m such a fucking pessimist that I refuse to be happy.
I miss the days when Kelsi would steal my written journal from me because then someone understood. Someone could see my writing at its blandest, but really understand everything. In that I miss Kelsi.
But this is about Kelsi; it�s about that horrible bug in me that refuses to be happy. It�s like a tapeworm that simply sits there and eats all my happy thoughts, leaving me to starve and choke on hurt and worry. I should see though, that of all the things I worry about, the thing that will shatter me will be something I never excepted.
I need to learn to mine silver in the clouds.
previous : next