5:55 pm - Tuesday, Jan. 21, 2003
Song: Joking - Indigo Girls
Maybe it comes off as me pushing her off and saying good riddance to her self-removal from my life. But that isn�t the case. I just don�t know what to say. I have all these words inside, but they fall out with the tears I�ve cried at various moments.
The tear soaked t-shirts and skin of Chris when he pulled me onto his lap and rocked me. It was raining on my face as well as the ground when I had to walk past her house on my way home today. I would have hung out with her today if she still lived here and the moving wasn�t even an idea. That I would have treated her to lunch because I have money.
Now I�m at a loss of all those pretty little words I spend time writing in my mind, because no words can solve this problem. She hugged me really well before I left on Thursday, and it was right, and it wouldn't have been right at the airport. Not in front of people I didn�t believe in. And now I feel so wrong and yet so right for not being there that I haven�t any faith in myself. If I was good and right I would have been there, and for that I feel horrible, for I�m sure she would have liked the goodbye.
But that morning I woke up in the middle of the night crying and cuddled close to Chris. He didn�t realize that my face was flowing, but still wrapped his arms around me and cuddled up. It was right.
I woke up the next morning with a decision. I couldn�t say goodbye to her there because I wouldn't convey what I felt, I�d convey what she wants to hear.
Have fun, call me, email me, I�ll miss you.
I couldn�t find the right way to say goodbye, and this seems so much more like see you later.
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