11:07 pm - Sunday, Jan. 12, 2003
Song: If I Had A Million Dollars - Barenaked Ladies
I�m not sure what it is exactually that I�m doing. Slamming metaphorical doors in his face. I feel like I�m daring him to tell me off, or break up with me. I�m willing him to hurt me.
It�s stupid. It�s ridiculous. It�s attempting to throw away the greatest relationship in the world.
And I�m continuing along this path.
Now I�m trying to force off the annoyance I feel for him, because he won�t do what I�ve tried to push him to. He loves me unconditionally and just lets my attitude roll off him. It�s too much to handle.
I have to have someone all my friends love, and who loves all my friends, and me and being amazing.
He�s as close as I�ll ever come to all that. But, what if? What if? What if? What if?
I feel this evil tinge because I need others to tell me what a great relationship I have to validate my own judgments. I don�t trust myself to choose correctly because I keep pulling the wrong card from the pile, and then again maybe we all do.
My writing comes from Beau Sia and Alice Sebold, who give me a spark to write, the same as the Ansel Adams exhibit today made me want to shoot a thousand pictures and the same way Chris makes me want to love. So why do I doubt what I feel?
I don�t need people to tell me my idols are correct, because I�ve chosen them to be, but I need them to tell me that I am very much correct.
Validation of writing skill, photography ability, and a perfection at picking the right guy finally.
I�m pretty sure this all stems from the various mental disorders I act like I have. But as I�m sure it�s just personality flaws and not mental at all, I stay alone and attached.
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