9:35 pm - Monday, Sept. 30, 2002
Song:
If anyone asks, I�m working on school stuff. And if anyone asks, I�ll tell them I�m writing. What more do I do in this room, but talk to the boy, masturbate, and write. Which I�m sure no one needed to know, but it�s imperative that you do.
I want to feel something new. I know hating sex, and I know loving it. I know boys who�d just as soon slap you then talk with you, and boys who cry if they yell at you. I�ve learned the way I write, the way I hold a camera, the way I paint, the way I cry, the way I talk, and yet I know nothing. Why does this mean so much to me, any of this?
Why does the camera hold my eyes, and every word I write tears away from me with heart and mind and I want it to be accepted more than I�ve ever cared for myself to be.
What will give me power, if I decide that power is what I crave under it all? Will my words make a difference, or will I take the heart-wrenching photo of the century. Will anyone understand what I was trying to tell them as I gasp for last breath, or as I tip-tap it towards them now.
Here and now has never been good enough, no matter how much I try to live right now. I say, it won�t matter in ten years, and I want to get married. I don�t want to be married, I want to get married.
Or maybe I do want to be married. I want to be held, and I want to have someone just know. I�m not sure what yet, but they know.
I�m longing for this like I want warm flannel pajamas and to curl up with hot cocoa, because it�s raining. And like I want to curl up and cry, because though I don�t have a reason to, I haven�t do so in a really long time and my back has a constant back pack ache built in, new and improved, now that school has started again.
I know I should research Kimono, and I know I should do math. And I know that I hate high school academics, because I hate being taught merely to pass the test. But I�m loving everything that has to do with high school. I love the games and the green and gold days.
I love being alone as well, but right now that�s not what I�m looking for. I�m sick of using a computer for company when I just don�t want to be alone.
There are three separate phone lines available to me.
I�ve forgotten what it�s like to call them up.