7:07 am - Sunday, Sept. 22, 2002
Song:
Awake early and listening to silence over the phone because I woke him and asked him to stay close. I�m not sure why I�m so suddenly needy, or maybe it�s just I see how needy I always am, for the first time.
Sat my chin on the sill, feeling the cold seep through an improperly sealed window and wrap unassumingly around my neck. The little tress in my front yard are turning red, a rare occurrence in Portland. I find myself longing for Vermont and a life too young to have.
I�ve stopped connecting Vermont to imaginary futures so carefully planned with Adam. We�re done and gone, and as this no longer shoots arrows through my heart to place in words, I can state that any connection between the darling V state and the not so darling A child have diminished.
I want their falls, because my entire life I�ve longed for New England falls. I want trees that turn red and orange, unlike her where the rain soaks them through into a mushy brown blanket for the sidewalk.
It hasn�t rained much this year.
I want a place that snows. It snows here, maybe twice a year. Maybe. Snow draws me with such a power I can hardly feel the cold that accompanies it. Every winter, the first snow will fin me n the neighbors front yard, basking in the street light, so I can look up and watch it swirl through the beams of orange.
I�m longing for what I don�t have. Again. With a boyfriend so far away, it�s come common place.