7:26 pm - Monday, Apr. 08, 2002
Song:
I'm a jumble of emotions... and thats never a good thing... I'm angry... very very angry... and sad... at lost... i am wandering lost in this world... hence the name of this diary... I feel so lost... so much more then before...
and thats when i relize that i lie to myself... this diary no longer helps me in all the wonderous ways that it used to...
I spent much of today fighting with my mind about this decesion...trying to find a way to keep my journal online (which is much handier)without having to censor myself... i didn't want to lock it... but it seems the only choice...one of the main reasons I am doing this is Rahnia...
I have a lot to say about The Plan and herandadam.... she's almost lost to me as a friend... this is why I'm so fucking sad and angry right now... i feel like i was played like some game... some stupid fucking game... and I hate that...
If I can find an alternative to locking away my thoughts... from blocking others out... I'll try my best to find it... if anyone has suggestions... send them my way... maybe i'll start a new diary... but so much has gone into this... nearly 300 entries....
don't let a boy stand between us....
she doesn't want that...
yet she dated him...
worst of all...
she told me she didn't want to be with him... she convinced me that we would all work things out... that everyone would be happy when we worked this all out... that being with adam would make the whole situation easier... so in that way... they recived my 'blessing'... i said I was fucking okay with it... then the plan falls apart and bam... she's adam's girlfriend...
Megan was out of the way... I don't belive that having me out of the way was not beneficial to her cause... and I went along with all this... belived what she said to me because she promised me time with Chris... and she promised we would all be happy...
I'm not happy...
but you know what... i don't fucking matter in her book... thats just how I feel... she sits and talks shit about me... yeah... the dyke thing was talking shit... I don't want to be here anymore... and for once it's not in a suicidal way... it's in a fuck them kind of way... I'm done with being fucked around...
they're both good people sepreatly... but together...
I really don't know what i'm saying anymore... it's dark... i'm crying... i have no idea what i'm doing...
I do knwo this... if i can't find and alternative or reason not to... this diary is to be locked at midnight... I will start a new day a girl who may speak her mind... a girl who just says fuck them... but I doubt this will happen... I loved them... love them... but I hate them... makes sense?... I thought not...
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