8:13 pm - Wednesday, Apr. 17, 2002
Song:
i feel like crap...
I love Rahnia and Amdanda... and i was having fun with them...but then i was just hit with this wave of... sadness... i didn't fgeel like being wiht anyone anymore...
I was hit again with a need to be alone and asleep... i wanted forever sleep...
I never want to do anything... everytime i make plans... i dred going and doing them... but once i'm out... i feel better....
I just need someone to talk to... so I went to Dana although I don't know him that well... he made me feel... cared about...
Butters 60: dana, can i dump on you?
SamuraiPupy: yes
SamuraiPupy: whats up?
Butters 60: i'm really depressed... and i don't understand it... and I don't know if i can really talk to my friends about it... because they always accuse me of creating drama...
Butters 60: i'm just overly sad and lost
Butters 60: and I don't want to do anything
Butters 60: I always want to cancel plans after i make them... until someone drags me out of the house and make me do somehting... i just stay in my room in the dark and cut myself..
Butters 60: and I know this is slot to drop on you...
Butters 60: but i don't know how to say it to anyone else
SamuraiPupy: you cut, cut yourself?
Butters 60: yeah
Butters 60: i cut a cross into my arm last night... and all i could think about today was making it better, deeper
SamuraiPupy: hmm, how long have you been doing this?
Butters 60: i just started.. it scares me dana.... but i feel like it fixes things somehow...
SamuraiPupy: it doesnt though...hmm, what about life bothers you?
Butters 60: i don't know... i'm just sad...
Butters 60:i feel like crying and sleeping
Butters 60: i shouldn't put this on you
SamuraiPupy: i am glad you are
SamuraiPupy: you need to get this out
Butters 60: yeah... thats why i am
SamuraiPupy: whatever you do, dont do anything tonight, i am not going to tell anyone but i want to talk to you more face to face tommorow
Butters 60: alright... when?
Butters 60: i'll try not to do something tonight... but really don't know... i really want to
SamuraiPupy: whenever is good for you, anytime at all
Butters 60: i have no plans after school
SamuraiPupy: then after school it is, where?
Butters 60: i can chill for a while before i go home for 'birthday fun'
Butters 60: umm... I dunno.. do you know where my locker is?
SamuraiPupy: nope
Butters 60: umm.... it's right around the corner from Ginas
SamuraiPupy: alright, i will meet you there after school then
Butters 60: if you don't know where that is... we could meet.... in front of the mural in the east wing where you eat lunch
Butters 60: you sure?
SamuraiPupy: yup
SamuraiPupy: how many people know about how you feel?
Butters 60: alright... my locker... we can talk...
Butters 60: um... Rahnia, Chris, Amanda and adam know i cut... but they don't know how i'm feeling... i'm not sure they care
SamuraiPupy: was the cross your first time?
Butters 60: no... but it's the first time it's had in depth
SamuraiPupy: how deep did you go
Butters 60: hardly... it just more then a scratch that draws blood... it's not the pain, but the blood that i;m after
Butters 60: i don't want you to think i'm a freak
SamuraiPupy: bah, i know how it feels to be sad, i go for the pain when i am really sad
SamuraiPupy: punch things
Butters 60: i like the blood... it's so real... and i feel so empty
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