11:01 pm - Sunday, May. 05, 2002
Song:
In Which I Attempt To Clear My Head, And Heart, Of Past Love
I�m writing this not knowing if I have a goal or destination in mind. Just knowing two things. I need a decent essay based on lyrics, because I feel my last one was more then a little weak, and I need to clear my mind. I need to get everything I can�t stop thinking of out.
I almost always write to get things out of my mind, and more often then not; my words are chasing a blinking cursor. The computer is my writing pal. Everything is stored, mostly mis-spelled and neatly archived in my online diary. Excessive amounts of me time are spent at DairyLand [http://www.diaryland.com]. It seems I always have something on my mind I�m ready to clear out.
It was at TheRules [.dairyland.com] that I found the following �rule�: �DO NOT go out with a boy for over a year when you're only a sophomore. When you break up the summer going into junior year it sucks. You will then be "in love" with him for as long as you know each other & distracting thoughts will forever stay in the back of your mind. JUST DONT.�
This doesn�t directly apply to my situation, but it made me think about what has gone on in my life as of late. There is a lot of wisdom in that one little thought that was more then likely posted by someone who has �been there, done that� and wouldn�t do it again.
In December of 2001 I ended a relationship that had been going on for a year and a half. �The journey�s long, and it feels so bad. I�m thinking back to the last day we had� [Destiny by Zero 7]. I feel it�s almost clich� to say it�s one of the hardest things I�ve done. But the months since have proven to me, it was, and is, the hardest ordeal I have had to face in my life as of yet.
�This is incredible. Starving, insatiable, yes, this is love for the first time� [The Brilliant Dance by Dashboard Confessional]. There�s this time when you first end a relationship with someone. It is my personal belief that people, in majority, act one of two ways during this time. The first way is to fall apart. This is the method in which it feels your world, as you know it has been torn away from you. These are the people, who after a break up stop eating or sleeping or showering or something seemingly drastic along those lines. The other method is where you feel you�re fine with the situation, and although you�re not especially happy, you�re going to be okay. Although some of the people who opt for this method really are all right with the situation, more often then not, this is not weapon of choice in battling heartbreak and hurt feelings.
I feel that those who decide to follow option two are hit hardest by the �break-up� in the long run. This is because they spend all this time trying to convince themselves that they are �fine� with the situation, and they have no chance to heal from the ordeal they have faced. I was one of these people, and that�s why I feel I need to get this all out now. I feel I am either on the brink of a breakdown, method one style, or just lost in my ways.
�And when the stars are shinning brightly in the velvet sky, I�ll make a wish, send it to heaven, then make you want to cry� The tears of joy for all the pleasure and the certainty� [Truly, Madly, Deeply by Savage Garden]. There is an endless amount of security you allow yourself to have when you feel you�re in love. You put your trust in another person, completely. Trusting someone on such a high level always makes me scared, and when I�m sacred, I run from things. Push them out of my life. This was an issue. One of many, many issues that plagued our relationship and love. Despite this though, there was complete certainty and trust that this person would be present to support for the coming days, weeks and months. My mind was set up as such, that I could believe that this security would go on for years, forever. I think this is a common misconception when you�re �in love�. Well, perhaps not �mis-conception� in every case, but a conception all the same.
�I�m sorry, I�m just not as keen, I�m planning out a perfect life, when I�m only nineteen�[Crazy Amanda Bunkface by SUM*41]. So here we�ve placed me. I was fifteen (and fourteen I suppose) and my life was planned. He was whom I was going to marry, live with, have a family with, and grown old with. I cannot find the words to describe what this was, weather fantasy or delusion. Yet as stuck to this idea as I was, I feel he believed in it so much more, on a whole different level. It was always him convincing me, that yes, we could work everything out, and yes, everything would get better and easier.
�E. McGregor: �Love lifts us up where we belong, where eagles fly, on a mountain high.� N. Kidman �Love makes us act like we are fools, throw our lives away, for one happy day�[Elephant Love Medley from the Moulin Rouge Soundtrack]. It is my belief that in every relationship there is the person who �loves more� then the other person. It was blatantly obvious in my and Adam�s relationship that I was the one who loved �less�. He was the on always pushing us on and I was always the one trying to ward off love, feelings, and what I felt would be certain heartbreak and pain. We fed off this relationship of need, want and support. �She makes the sign of the teaspoon, he makes the sign of the wave�[Diamonds On The Souls Of Her Shoes by Paul Simon]. It was his pushing and my resisting that lead us to believe for a while that we were very different people. It wasn�t until later that we realized we were very much alike, too much alike in my opinion. It was almost like spending a year and a half with a male version of myself in many ways. We reacted to things the same way, argued things the same way, and walked away from arguments the same way. We tried to think we were different while being all too alike. This wasn�t just what we felt of our personalities, it was what we felt of our relationship in general.
�2001-05-04 / 2:38am I just heard something about you: your boyfriend/girlfriend was great at first but then he/she gradually changed, leaving you with this new person while you longed for the old one, and for a long time you just couldn't let go of either.� I just took that from Perceptions [.diaryland.com] otherwise known as Bobby Burgess. It�s something that has happened to almost everyone. And Adam and I were no different.
�You said it once before, you don�t do those things you used to anymore. You say in doubt, we�re fading out, forgetting who we used to be�[Handle This by SUM*41]. Over a year and a half, especially at the start of high school, the time of �growing up�, change is inevitable. As time went on, neither of us was the same person and I feel each of us longed to be with that person we started dating. No matter how different we liked to think our relationship to be, it was very much the same as thousands of other teens. We still held hopes that carrying on our relationship would prove possible for us, where it just wasn�t for everyone else.
�It�s not that I wanna say goodbye, it�s just that every time you try to tell me, me that you love me, each and every single day, I know, I�m going to have to eventually give you away�[Like A Bird by Nelly Furtado]. It was finally I who ended our year and a half. Had I not done it then, I�m not sure what would have come of us. I do know now that while I thought putting an end to it was going to be hard, I had no idea what I was in for at all. I�m not sure what the breaking point was, or what made this break �break-up�, but we finally snapped. Hours of arguments, tears, kisses and apologizes no longer gave the illusion of holding us together. I had one goal in mind, to get out while I still could.
�She didn�t mean to, deceive you, believe me. But Sometimes the hardest part is conceiving, the good intentions that you had, now only came to this. Although she saw the mark, the arrow missed. It isn�t exciting, reciting the stories, of kind words turned hurting, when routine gets boring�[Apple Shampoo by Blink 182]. I would love to say that our relationship ended in all the right ways, we talked things out, and decided an attempt at friendship should be made after we had had a chance to cool off and get over a bought of heartbreak. Nothing at all like that happened. He acted as a typical method one and I a typical method two. There was no compromise or talk, just hurt feelings. And accusations.
�Cause I never said that everything would be okay, and I never said, that we would live to see another day�[The Motivation Proclamation by Good Charlotte]. There was this ultimate pain that the thing you had relied on to be there the next day, week, month no longer was. It�s hard to lose faith and trust in someone so quickly. My mind would start racing and I would think over everything that had happened and feel like I lied to him when I said I would be there for him. That despite everything I was doing to make my life happier, I was in the wrong.
�Well, I�ve been afraid of changing cause I�ve built my life around you�[Landslide by Smashing Pumpkins]. The months after the break up were hard for me. I was attempting to figure out who I was where my mind had before processed its identity merely as �Megan, Adam�s girlfriend�. I wanted that back so much, to run back to that label. I saw nothing by safety and familiarity in that identity.
�There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don�t know how�[Wonderwall by Oasis]. I would stay up all night, sometimes three days in a row without sleep, writing and re-writing apologizes and pleads to him. I never sent them, but I penned a thousand heartfelt �sorry�s and �forgive me�s. I would work up the nerve to give him on of these letters, or fall to him begging him to take me back, but would always resist. Somewhere in my mind I processed returning to him as admitting some kind of defeat, as an ultimate loss, and I would resist the urge.
�So don�t lay another finger on her, she�s mine and I still want her. If you put your hands upon her, you�re a goner, goner�[Kick Some Ass by Stroke 9]. Then came another battle to fight. Dating other people. I�m not sure which of us did this the �right� way, is there is any such thing. I started seeing new people right away. I had a void I didn�t understand, and remembering that I�m a method two person, I thought I was doing the right thing getting on with my life. I also felt that if I stopped to reflect on what was going on, that I would feel the ultimate pain of it, and I would rather run from that, then subject it upon myself. Adam on the other hand, waited a month before starting a new relationship that didn�t really lead anywhere, and then a few more months before entering a serious relationship. The pain of seeing him with someone else was a new concept altogether. Something I had never considered when we broke up. Months of battling pain and heartbreak seemed to be falling away. His moving on was the final wall between pain and me, and it was crumbling, and through this, I had stronger feelings of wanting to be with him then I had throughout the three and a half months since our relationships end.
�Which of the bold faced lies will we use? I hope that you�re happy, you really deserve it, this will be the best for us both in the end�[Standard Lines by Dashboard Confessional]. I�ve found this has made friendship between us nearly impossible. We�ve talked it over many times, saying that we used to be best friends and that we both want that back. I don�t see this working out though, we�re both too hurt, and we both miss our relationship too much. I feel like we�re deceiving our significant others when we spend time together, even with nothing happening between us. The feelings are so strong, it feels like we�re doing something wrong just to be thinking the thoughts that we are.
I hate to have Adam dating anyone else, and Adam just hates anyone else that I date. �This is what she says gets her through it: �If I don�t let myself be happy now then when� If not now, when?�[For Me This Is Heaven by Jimmy Eat World]. I�m used to regarding Adam�s opinion as the most important to me, and it�s hard to break that habit. So his hating my boyfriend is really painful to me. I want him to be happy I�m happy. I say that, of course, with the highest level of hypocrisy, as I hate seeing him with anyone else. More and more I wish I could put things back how they once were between us, and I feel also that we�re better off now.
�But I need you to know, that I care and I miss you�[I Miss You by Incubus]. I suppose more then anything that is the underlying theme here. We have lived apart, and we have lived together. We�ve seen already that together isn�t how we should be. It feels right, it feels like love, but the troubles are countless, and we just aren�t happy that way. Yet still, I miss it so much.
I like to let the song lyrics do my speaking for me. I�ve related to music so much over the past few months, that I felt this topic couldn�t be accented properly with only one song. When I�m confused I write it all out of my mind, and try my best to straighten it all out through words. I�m still trying to decide if this has clarified anything for me, or just given me a chance to go over the story again in my mind. There you have it. In December of 2001, I started the most painful, confusing chapter of my life, and I�m ready for it to come to a close.
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