10:20 pm - Sunday, Dec. 07, 2003
Song:
When he hurts me, or broken promises equate to lies, I want him to feel bad. I like the grovel, apologize, and feel horrible about it. I feel horrible about it, so should he.
And maybe that makes me evil, or bitch, or just an all around bad person, but I feel it. I want him to call and go on and on about how I�m wonderful and he doesn�t know why I put up with him. It�s nice for once to feel that I�m not the only fuck up in this relationship. Everyone does their equal share. It�s a beautiful web of guilt and self-hatred called a loving relationship.
Don�t get me wrong though, I do love my darling, I do want only happiness for him (even if the above stated otherwise), but parts of me want to fulfill the idea that I�m maybe not so horrid after all. That even the angels fall; Dangerous falls that make the world spin out of control when you're standing in one place, and nobody else feels a thing. It�s a spinning that throws your stomach out into the crowd and yet the only indication that any one noticed is a small pile of sawdust.
Is this wrongly described, or too graphic? It can�t be because me heart and mind depend on words. They are my only way here, my only thing, that set set set aside for Megan and her alone. Why is it so blinding in the dark rooms of my own self-despising? We�re here telling truth and lies, and I just wanted to tell him I�m sorry for overreacting, but am I a bad person because I want him to pain for the lies he unintentionally told.
He had the choice to say them. And he said them, now I blame him, and my whole self feels rotten to the core that hallowed long ago.
Just apologize profusely, so I can tell you it�s okay, it doesn�t matter. So I can be the good one, just one, time one, here once. I�ll be the angel.
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