10:14 am - Thursday, Jun. 26, 2003
Song:
I miss being up there. It keeps me whole and moving through everyday. I miss being in his arms, and feeling him there. I miss reading while he plays video games and giving him parts of my ice cream between chapters. I miss the feeling of a house to ourselves, for all different reasons then most seventeen year olds. The feeling that it truly is our home, our place.
He�s twenty, right? Going on twenty-one in October. Our relationship is supposed to be wrong. People give me that look when they hear, like no, eww, he�s only using you. Shouldn�t he want someone older? Why and you such a slut that you�re going after such older men?
Fine, think what they please. Sex: the one thing I don�t give a fuck what people think of me about. Wanna know? Sure you do. I�ve had sex with three people.
The first time because I was dependant on the person, the second because I wanted to prove I wasn�t dependant on the first and the third because I am madly in love with him.
And he loves me. And it sounds so stupid to say, but I need to. It�s taken me the year and four months we�ve been together to have enough confidence to say that. To have enough to admit that yes, I make him happy. And how amazing is that.
Amazing him. It�s just being with him, and he makes me feel beautiful all the time, makes me smile, makes me laugh.
Everytime I think about how it makes me laugh, it reminds me of a conversation Adam and I had about Chris last year. He was talking about Ocean�s 11: Does he make you laugh? - He doesn�t make me cry. Oh Adam, you were wrong, he doesn�t make me cry, and he does make me laugh, and really, how much better is that.
He would never date my best friends. He would never pressure me for sex. He would never call me a bitch because I snapped at him. He would never hit me, or push me.
He loves me unconditionally. He loves me when I�m too drunk and puking. He loves me when I�m dressed up and ready to go out. He loves me even if I feel like shit, even if I want to have a screaming fit, even if I�m fucked up and depressed and just want to cry all day. He just keeps loving me, and telling me that he loves me. He is amazing.
He has a huge amount of patience, and sits with me through all of it. Holds my hair, tickles my back, kisses my forehead. And he�s never mad if I wake him up because I had a nightmare, or steal his candy while he�s at work, or hate him that day.
I guess sometimes I just forget how much he loves me.
So why have we been having this fight that he doesn�t ever tell me. And really, doesn�t as much as I do, but that�s how I express it.
I express things with words. I can tell him for hours how much I love him, and as long as my actions express it, he knows. But he shows me, that�s how he expresses it.
And you know, I�m so lucky to have him.
Ever write something that made you feel lighter, happier, better? Well, this started out about how I miss being in Seattle.
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