7:47 pm - Wednesday, Mar. 05, 2003
Song: Again I Go Unnoticed
I feel as if people have lost faith in me. No one believes I can write anymore, and they reflect that in their own ways. I don�t touch anymore; I�ve instead lost touch. I don�t know how people feel. A diary that once held what I thought, the way I truly wrote, and me, is now a place where I piece together daily complaints and in whole don�t say anything of any sort of importance.
It�s even more than before, a normal teen diary. How horrible is that to be normal. Not that I ever thought I was extraordinary, but I thought I was at least a bit different.
I�d rather be charming than mysterious. I like to share it all, and maybe here I share too much and maybe I share too little because I fear watchful eyes. Whatever it is, I�ve dulled at least 6 people. Those that can no longer stand me.
Even with my open book about things in my life, even with my big mouth, my need to talk back, my ability to tell strangers things, my ability to say anything� I am truly painfully shy. One day I got it in my mind that to overcome that shyness, the kind that still makes me shake everytime I have to order from a waiter or call for services, I thought that being overly unshy would balance it out.
Sometimes I wonder if it did and everyone else is just shyer, but I know it�s not the truth. I feel stupidly unreal. But it is me. I hurt to be in front of people, but I am also somewhat confident. I can do more than I once could.
I look back at me in elementary school, and I wonder if were all supposed to change that much. I was scared out of my mind shy then. And in every sense of the word, a crybaby.
Everything would make me cry. I couldn�t hold be tears for the life of me. The spilled milk type, too. And maybe those who know me still think I�m like that. And if that�s true, then there�s never going to be anything I can do about that. Because I think peoples perceptions of others rarely change, and that maybe people don�t change so much, and I�m still the 4th grader in stretch pants and big headbands.
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