9:55 pm - Monday, Dec. 23, 2002
Song: Trying - Lifehouse
�Well I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say
But I'm working on it
Maybe I'll master this art form someday
If I quote all the lines off the top of my head
Would you believe
I fully understand all these things I've read.� -Trying, Lifehouse
Sometimes I feel I�m trying too hard to be just me, because people tell who I am all the time isn�t me. But that can�t be right.
But that�s not the point. No Chris is the point, and sigh all you want because that�s always the case with me, isn�t it now?
I�m got to keep being cute, and interesting. Surprising him. Or I feel� that what he feels for me, the interest he has in me will dissipate and I�ll be left with nothing. A girl who aims to please and fails, and has done so with everyone she�s ever loved. Does he truly know what a failure I am? I hurt people. I alienate those I want closest. I make them hate me. Or don�t I.
In great compliment once, he told me he thought me to be interesting, spontaneous, unpredictable.
Now I�m too focused on that, I want him to remind me. Tell me again so I know that the way I am is still impressing him. And though I don�t want to, I�ll change it, thought it�s not who I am.
Now I feel stupid and desperate to be just right, just a certain way. But if I said I wasn�t, I�d be lying. Because I want him to tell me again that I�m interesting, spontaneous, unpredictable, and have it be true, truly me.