8:12 am - Sunday, Oct. 27, 2002
Song:
What makes me feel so much more complete with him? I sat on the dryer Friday night, and wrapped my arms around him. Everyway I longed for him, he read my mind. If I needed him to kiss my forehead, without my movement he�d move right there. I liked the way everything else melted away, I stopped thinking. For so long I�ve needed someone who could do that for me.
Then Saturday, we went to the park. I talk about Douglas fir trees. I taught plants at outdoor school. It has been programmed into my brain.
�There�s this little switch in your mind. It lets in all the outside pain, the tears, fears, hatred and love. When you entered here, that switch flipped off. None of that matters. Now it�s all about what you feel here.� �Puttly, Outdoor School site supervisor.
Just right. But my switch has flown back on, and my mind is racing. I�m insecure; I�m not good enough. They all hate me. I missed a week of school. I�m going to die.
Then he holds me and I stop thinking.
So why not insult him at the park. Tell him none of it�s as hard as he�s making it out to be. He has an excuse for everything.
I have no idea what I want to do; yet I know exactly. He�s in the place I want to be. He�s old enough to go, he has money. He could travel. He doesn�t seem to see how lucky he is.
Michelle leaves to be an outdoor school counselor today. I wish I could be doing that again.
I want to travel and go, I want to be at camp all the time. I�m not satisfied because everyone here is fake. I remember the consequences last time I went searching for reality.
Let�s force high school to end, I�m sick of it. It�s not right for me. Don�t tell me not to complain about homework, because in college� that�s a lot of shit. I have 6-7 hours of homework a night. To be completed that night.
Wah, wah I�m angsty, and now I�m even pissing myself off.