4:47 pm - Tuesday, Oct. 08, 2002
Song:
Where�s my head and heart when it comes to this diary anymore?
I keep thinking about what is coming up. Homecoming, and thanksgiving. And Christmas. And yet, I�m looking at December differently this time. This December will mark one year I�ve had this diary. Good for me, I hate to stick with things.
It�ll also mark one year since Adam and I broke up.
I want to stop loving him.
I�m not in love with him anymore, haven�t been for a long time. Not in the usual sense of the word. But I�m tied to him in so many ways.
I loved him. First really powerful love I�ve ever felt. Otherwise I wouldn�t have done much of what I had with him. Love makes me a weaker person, a more willing person.
I lost my virginity to that boy. It had to be the worst sex ever, logistically. That is as sex where both people are willing and sober.
It was on my parents� bed, after school one day.
We were supposed to be washing the dishes, my after school chore, and instead we were in my parents� bedroom, almost fully clothed.
The condom was red. I remember that, yet I don�t remember the date.
It was October and I was fourteen.
I remember it hurt like all hell. My eyes hurt from trying not to cry and my jaw was sore from setting it so tightly.
It was the quickest sex of my life, about two minutes, yet it felt like forever. Every little noise outside that room was a parent coming or my brother coming up from the basement. We finished. I took a breath in what felt like the first time in those two minutes. I didn�t like it.
After wards we went back into the kitchen to do my chore. He sat down on the floor against the cupboard and pulled me down with him. Held me in his arms, kissed my forehead.
�I really love you, you know?�
Thinking back, with him that was one of the more enjoyable little moments pertaining to sex. I hated sex with him, I never was very sure of myself, yet I always said yes after four �no�s. But the way held me that day made me feel close to him.
I hate how dumb people in high school can be when they�re in love.
I�m still one of them; just replace the boy I suppose. Always replacing the boy.
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