11:22 am - Saturday, Jul. 13, 2002
Song:
I wish I knew how to play the guitar so I could cry through cords and sing my feelings till I understood what in the world was going on in my mind.
I will never know, I don't doubt that at all. Yet I'll know all the same, and I won't be able to explain. While I can't play cords until my fingers bleed, I can write.
Callouses form from cords and pencils. Why do I allow my thoughts to hide in retrivible places.
Who else do I take for granted?
Life only sucks when you forget what you used to like about it.
I had Chris yesterday. He reminds me what I like about my life. Being here does not. And I want Rahnia to be a reminder, yet I get mental messages that she would rather not speak with me as of now, and I have no idea why.
The best way to tell someone something is to tell them not to respond at all, just to listen, and then talk. Talk everything out of your mind.
Callous and bleed.
Such a nice day yesterday with Chris. We went to the river, played games. Laid in the sand and kissed him. I love him too much. Because someone has to hurt someone else at some point, and I keep hoping that it'll be him hurting me, because he deserves to never feel pain. Never been hurt by a guy like that before.
I thought it over. I doubt Adam ever felt for me what he once claimed. I doubt love was ever there. So I have no idea what the hell made him want to be with me. Or didn't. Make sense? No? Good.
I haven't felt this diary the way I should have. Haven't for a while. What continues to draw me back to it?
I dreamed last night. Something I rarely do.
Now I feel like crying. I don't know why. I'll hole myself up for the day.
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