9:44 pm - Monday, Apr. 01, 2002
Song:
"Because of you I'm running out of Reasons to cry. When the friends are gone when the party's over we'll still belong to each other" Shakira, Underneath Your Clothes
I don't know what it is for me... weather I've just forgotten what it is to be happy or what... I almost wish Chris was making me unhappy... because I'm not used to being happy... I don't know how to be constantly happy anymore...
If he hurt me... I would be in a place I'm familiar with.... I'm used to pain and sadness...
But he makes me happy... and suddenly I don't knwo what to do with myself...
My family had steak for dinner... useually one of my favorite things in the world... but I couldn't eat...
All I do is think of him... I sleep badly if his voice isn't there when I fall asleep... I can hardly eat... when people say his name, my face lights up (yes, I am admitting this...)
And truthfully... i can't stand this... I don't understand what I am feeling... I've never felt this before...
It's such a wonderful feeling... and I want to stop having it..
1) because i know it can't last forever and I want it to...
2) because I'm not used to it and i really don't know whats going on...
and finnaly 3)because I don't want to be dependent on someone agian.... I don't want to want him, let alone need him...
Because wanting leads to longing and I'm afriad of making myself sad... and at the same time... I want to be sad... because I don't know what to do with myself when i am not...
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