9:19 am - Friday, Aug. 13, 2004
Song:
When everything is painful, you cut some people out. You blame them for painful. And maybe that isn't always wrong. Maybe the blame they've been placing on you for so long has made it easy for you to blame back. The resentments that have never faded away, well what place have they in a trusting relationship?
When they are around, your regress. You're back the person you once were, the person you've spent a lot of time working to grow up and out of. They make you feel stupid. They treat you like everything bad that's happened to them and every bad choice they made is your fault. They ignore your feelings about situations and misconstrue what's bothering you about others. They always want to think the worst of you. They tell your secrets to other people. They guilt you and judge you so heavily, you start to lie.
And when this hurts too much, you want to drop everything to look for the opposite. When the boy who usually holds you starts acting like all you are is silly. Or those people who you would tear the world apart for don't treat you like an equal, you start searching.
You look for the only person out there who wants to tell you you're smart and beautiful. That you're unique. That they love you even when there's nothing to gain for it.
They keep telling you, you're perfect, you're awesome, and you�re amazing. They keep telling you; don't remove yourself from other people's lives. They say they feel like they're stealing you, and in that a small cloud of hurt reigns al the time.
You're past talking problems through. You're sick of everything being your fault. You want someone who doesn't think and say all the bad things about you. And you find them, and it's so good, and it's all you want. And you want so badly to explain to someone, to say exactly what's going on, but no one wants to hear it, because they're loyalties lie with another already. So you keep pushing them further and further away because in the end, what you truly needed was someone you could be entirely honest with. Someone who loved you exactly as you are, and who brought out all the best qualities in you.
Unfortunately when there�s no one to turn to and everyone will hate you regardless of what you do, you turn all your worst qualities to the rest of the world.
previous : next