12:10 pm - Sunday, Nov. 30, 2003
Song:
Beginings of Christmas shopping. I'm not liking it as much this year. Becuase with each gift I guy, i have to wonder when I'll have a chance to give it to the person. How much it'll cost to ship. How I'll pack it in with my stuff to travel with. When I'll want to drive out to them. When in the mass that is winter break I'll have time for them.
For the second year in a row Rahnia is missing from Christmas. Last year she came home, and home was here, with evil news. I have to excpect that when she returns again, if ever, it's not with happiness, because everytime she's come home since last Christmas it's with the idea that she would soon be leaving again.
I shouldn't be hurt or bitter anymore, but I love people far away from me. I want to protect and coddle those I love, and they've put themselves out of my grasp. I was drowning them, I think.
Otheriwse I think Chris might have moved towards me, and Rahnia might not have moved away from me, and Kelsi might not have only blamed me, and I might still have Anna here like others do.
I'll continue to blame myself for things that people have insisted had nothing to do with me. They were just the circumstances surrounding it. And when I'm out of the funk, I'll feel silly for saying any of it, and help myself with phone calls, Christmas cards, and cheer. I need holidays that bring my loved ones back to me, and so this all stems from dissapointment.
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